Embracing your shadow sides is inevitable when you’re growing. And often, it’s not as scary as it seems.

More and more, people are talking about the shadow sides we all have — parts of ourselves that we often associate with something very bad, something we should hide from others and, ideally, from ourselves too.

And that’s exactly what we do. But I feel that we’ve created a somewhat distorted idea of shadow sides — and of evil in general — and only now are we beginning to set the record straight.

Our shadow sides have been presented to us from an early age as the ultimate thing to fear: be good, like people, don’t hurt anyone, do everything you can to make yourself comfortable for others. And when we are regularly rewarded for these “good” behaviors, our minds gradually start to believe that a person can be one hundred percent good.

And then, when something “bad” or socially unacceptable appears in our minds, instead of trying to understand our emotions, we lock them away in the darkest room of our inner world. And then we punish ourselves for not being as good as we are expected to be.

I’m not saying that we should let our anger loose and become mean or violent. Quite the opposite. When we embrace our shadow sides, we stop being afraid of them and become capable of consciously deciding what we want to do with them and which side we want to choose.

Because there are many violent people and psychopaths whom you would never suspect at first glance of having such a dark side within them. Yet when it emerges, the consequences can be fatal.

True growth doesn’t begin when we try to become even kinder, more patient, and more perfect people. It begins when we allow ourselves to look at the parts of us we don’t like and the things others might consider “weird.”

Because the more we go against ourselves and suppress emotions that are socially unacceptable, the more inner tension can build up. And that tension can then manifest as dissatisfaction, exhaustion, or other problems that become harder to ignore.

Anger, envy, jealousy, the need for control, the desire for recognition, or even the urge to get back at someone are not, in themselves, proof that we are bad people. They are information — a sign that something inside us is speaking up and wants to be seen, understood, and sometimes put back in its proper place.

Yet instead of starting to listen to ourselves, we often run away from our emotions and thoughts into entertainment, adrenaline, work, or anything else that can switch our minds off for a while. Of course, that’s easier. But it’s only a short-term solution.

When we don’t know our darker side, it often controls us from the shadows. Suppressed anger can turn into passive aggression. The need for recognition can turn into a constant need to prove our worth. Fear can turn into a need for control. And the desire for freedom can turn into running away from anything that limits us.

But when we are able to see that side of ourselves without immediately judging or fearing it, we gain something we didn’t have before — conscious choice. Then we can ask ourselves: Why do I feel this? What is it showing me? What is it trying to protect within me? And most importantly: Do I want to act on it?

And this last question is the key.

Because admitting to ourselves that we also have a “bad” side doesn’t mean becoming a villain or a murderer. What we choose to do with these impulses is a conscious decision. And of course, we are responsible for the consequences.

Embracing the shadow therefore doesn’t mean giving our worst impulses free rein. It means stopping running away from them. Because what we refuse to see often gains more power over us than what we are able to admit.

And that’s exactly why the goal isn’t to become a “good person” at all costs. The goal is to know our entire inner world well enough that no part of it has to control us.

Real strength, in my view, doesn’t begin with denying our shadow. It begins when we are able to look at it, understand it, and only then act according to our own conscious decision.

I’ve met many people in my life, and I know many stories that would shock you. Yet in our society, we are used to hiding these kinds of “strange” things. So people who don’t fit our idea of a perfectly respectable person can look completely different at first glance. That’s why my life motto is: Nothing is ever quite what it seems.

Do you recognize yourself in this? Then take a deep breath and stay calm. Even if you have strange thoughts, it doesn’t mean you’re a monster. It might simply mean you have a vivid imagination and will one day write an incredible book that will knock everyone’s socks off. And I’d be very happy to read it!

If you want to understand your shadows a little more, I’d be happy to arrange an individual consultation with you.