What distinguishes us from robots and artificial intelligence? Emotions. And yet we often act as if they are a burden.

My first relationship lasted 17 years. That is incredible by today’s standards. I always used to say that it was because we were both able to communicate with each other very well. Today, however, I understand something else as well. We were able to share our emotions and talk about them, even when it was often uncomfortable. That is something my ex-husband taught me, but I am only realizing it now.

When you live for 17 years in a relationship where sharing emotions is “normal,” you feel that everyone must know how to work with emotions. But eight years after my divorce, I can say that the truth is much more complicated.

When we were young and I puffed up like a frog because something was bothering me, he was able to create a safe space where I could take my thoughts apart and work through them. And I believe it worked both ways. Of course, this also caused conflicts from time to time, but we lived in a truthful relationship where we truly knew each other. Not just as some idea or image of the other person, but really knew each other. And the more I got to know his weaknesses as well, the more I fell in love with him.

When I started meeting other men after my divorce, I realized that I automatically expected the same from them. I waited for the moment when we would become close enough for the other person to open up to me and honestly talk about their feelings, emotions, and opinions. But often, that moment never came. Quite the opposite. Casual acquaintances were able to tell me incredible things about themselves, only to later say that their long-term partners did not know these things about them. I felt like Alice in Wonderland because I simply was not prepared for this reality. Friendship and partnership are something so extraordinary to me that I cannot imagine wasting time with someone I do not know and who is not even able to open up to me.

What I discovered was that many people, on the contrary, stay in relationships where the rule is that the less conflict and emotion you have, the better, because that is when we have peace at home. But peace does not necessarily mean closeness. If we have stopped sharing our real feelings, opinions, fears, and needs simply to avoid conflict, then it is not a real relationship, but merely two people living together.

We have learned to avoid our emotions so much that we have forgotten what it means to be human. We have started to see emotions as a problem, a weakness, or something that needs to be kept under control. And the better we are at hiding them, the more “mature” society considers us to be.

The system has also gradually pushed us into the role of a person who is mainly supposed to function, work, earn money, consume, perform, and ensure economic growth. A person who is obedient, productive, and does not question the rules too much naturally fits into such a world better than someone who stops and starts asking what they actually feel, what they need, and whether the way they are living their life even makes sense to them. Over the past hundred years, we have created an incredibly efficient system, but at the same time we have turned human beings into creatures trying to fit into a system that has long since ceased to be human.

And that is why, for me, working with emotions is not just about having better relationships. It is a way of reconnecting with ourselves and reminding ourselves that we are not machines. That we do not have to simply function, work, earn money, and fulfill expectations. We can feel, ask questions, doubt, change our minds, say out loud what hurts us, and be ourselves.

And what have I discovered about emotions on my journey?

1. What we carry only in our heads often does not correspond to reality.

Simply saying something out loud can make fear, worries, or anger lose their weight, because we may simply discover that they are much bigger and more frightening in our heads than they actually are. Moreover, there is no time in our heads. We can carry anger or fear inside us for decades. But once we say what is troubling us, the problem either dissolves or gets resolved. And it ceases to exist.

2. Our emotions can be fictional.

When we do not verify things or ask the other person what they meant, why they said it, or what they actually feel, we begin creating our own reality based on our imagination or previous experiences. We get angry at someone simply because we feel that we know exactly what they meant. But often, we do not. All it takes is asking, and suddenly everything becomes clearer – both the situation and our emotions. And often, we can even laugh about it.

When we like someone, all it takes is for them to smile at us, and suddenly we start creating a romantic story in our heads, full of love or hatred. Here too, all it takes is either expressing our feelings or simply asking the person directly about their emotions. This helps us prevent misunderstandings that often complicate relationships.

3. When we tell someone what bothers us or what is troubling us, and we don’t receive understanding, it doesn’t mean that we should close ourselves off even more.

It means that we are on the right path toward being honest and truthful, primarily for ourselves and our mental health, not to please someone or gain their approval. Because we are primarily responsible for our own emotions, and when we have not processed them, they affect both our lives and the lives of those close to us.

4. Emotions create an inner mirror for us and show us what we have not yet processed.

What is important is not to try to run away from them, but to ask ourselves: Why do I feel this? Why do I think this is really how it is? Is my reaction based on something I know, or do I simply think it is true?

Working with emotions and asking ourselves direct questions, and above all being honest with ourselves, is one of the most powerful tools for learning to understand ourselves and, consequently, other people. Because you often discover that the fear of saying something may come from a lack of trust in your own opinions, while anger may be fear of losing control over a situation or a particular person.

But the person who is meant to stay in your life will stay. And the person who is not will leave anyway. Let us not try to control another person by suppressing our own emotions. Because by doing so, we are probably losing the opportunity to move forward in life.

5. Every one of us needs a safe space. Let us try to create one for each other.

Before a conversation, it is enough to say out loud that we would like to say something, that we need to talk, and that we need the other person to be understanding and perhaps not react immediately. And even if they do react, it is always better than pretending to be someone else in front of them.

Because life can only become easier when we are able to be ourselves without being ashamed of it.

And now for the most important part.

Saying our emotions out loud is not the same as letting our anger out and hurting someone. Emotions can throw us off balance, but we can learn to decide how we respond to them. The problem arises when we ignore negative emotions for a long time and do not care about what is happening inside us or why it is happening. Do not let your emotions control your inner world. Learn to understand them. Because, paradoxically, we can only control our emotions once we understand what they are telling us.

Our strength does not lie in suppressing emotions, but in our ability to understand them. That is what allows us to maintain inner calm when necessary and not get carried away in moments of crisis.

Would you like to understand your emotions better? Book a consultation with me. I will be happy to listen to you and help you look at your own world from a different perspective.